When a child screams at its parents or other related adult „Leave me alone, I hate you!“, that does not mean: „Leave me alone in my room, and have me figure this out on my own, so I can come back when I‘m ready to be a good child again.“
It rather means „I am in deep emotional pain, and I can‘t cope with it right now. Please respect my boundaries, but stay around, so I know I am not alone in this.“
Most likely a child that wants to be left alone when in pain has made the experience that it was not accepted when it was in a state like this. It felt unwanted.
The feeling of being unwanted only added to the pain. So when the child is in pain the next time, it will try to avoid the additional pain of feeling unwanted, and make people leave. This pattern will still play out in the adult life, thus making relationships and heartfelt connections very difficult.
We need to break this vicious circle, and help those children. We can show them that we do respect their boundaries, and that that does not mean, we have to leave and abandon the child.
At the same time it is important that we really do accept the child as it is in this moment. Trying to sooth the child by invalidating its experience, just to make ourselves feel better, makes the situation worse, and deepens the trauma.
We need to develop the capacity to hold space for pain, and other „negative“ emotions, so they can become a normal part of life, rather than an existential crisis.
Contact me for a coaching session, if you would like to work on your own emotional growth.
#consciousparenting #parents #childcare#education #healthyemotions#healthyboundaries